I am a visitor here, I am not permanent. My goal in life is eternal happiness and a clean bathroom. I have a complex mind and a fascination for the universe and beyond. 
I’ve been working around 14 to 15 hours a day for the past two/three weeks working on this fashion collection for my pre-graduation thingie and I’m becoming something that would best be described as a walking dead. Haven’t been that much online needless to say
13.10.11.04;12/ I still feel myself wandering to the places where we made memories that are too happy to seem real too vivid to dismiss as merely a dream you can hardly remember in the morning. This park became a maze where in every turn every corner is a dead end a dead memory of us our days our lives intertwined for just a brief moment before it was gone carried of by the wind to a place in another time where this could have had survived our heavy hearts. In my mind I touch the cracks in the wood of the bench where we sat talking for hours about nothing and everything like the words didn’t matter but the act of saying them did so all the more. Later I would recall this day as one that was truly happy truly real something that made me feel alive even more than life itself could have made me feel. These memories now live in the void the place where all things go that hold emotions that should not be completely forgotten a treasure chest of feelings lost in time.
Late at night I sometimes wonder if there are like they say in theories other earths with copies of me copies of you living slightly the same lives but maybe happier maybe sadder but maybe together. Sometimes it helps me sleep.
Yesterday one sentence in one question resulted in me making a drastic and crazy decision of booking a train ticket for next week tuesday to go to Paris to the Premiere du Vision and it’s utterly crazy and kind of fantastic but really just an expensive joke and I don’t really know anymore. - current events as best described in a message to Chi.
6.6.11.01;14/Smoke is billowing out of my mouth like a human chimney. Every night I see the numbers of time creeping it’s way to dawn without feeling the need to fall asleep. Cigarette after cigarette after midnight, while saying ‘no, I don’t smoke’ when asked. Moths get through the window and flutter in the corners where the light leaks out and the rattling of wings remind me of the sound your heart makes when I put my ear to your chest. You said I see the world so differently, I said I did not really, I just like knowing I’m safe from heartache because I’m alone.
Nothing but sex violence tragedy and sadness on tv at this hour. I think I’m going to stay awake a little while longer. I’m running out of cigarettes.
I’m back in my home country. Kind of missing Stockholm already, big city vs small idyllic towns and the latter just isn’t that good. Came home to these bad boys to cure my home-sickness for a home I don’t belong.
280411.00;16/ Just as I promise myself to be less materialistic and spare my suitcase a slow death by carrying my 40 kg garbage back to NL I get invited to a CHeap monday sample sale and I couldn’t say HElllll no so now my boots are a little heavier and my purse a little lighter. 4 days away from home.
080411.00;27/ This is me ‘pulling an asian’, I guess. Today was so good! Went to a sushi place during lunch with colleagues and at night with a bunch of friends to a live bar and eating the best vietnamese dish here in Stockholm. My parents are flying in from the netherlands tomorrow! I keep getting this illusion that it’s friday when it’s not. Hate that. #wellittechnicallyhasbeenfor29minutesbutstill
![28311.01;01# I recently discovered how to make gifs, you can tell by me gifspamming tumblr from now on. Sporting the blouse I bought at the Acne Archive store yesterday. Yet again spent way too much money at my favorite stockholmian record store ‘An Ideal for Living’ [Ikidyounot, I just found this out recently and apparently they have another store called ‘unknown pleasures’ and this says a lot about the great records they carry and about me being their client. I guess.] my purchase consisted of a bootleg with such a clear recording of Joy division’s gig in ‘de Effenaar’ in my home country from 1980. 1 out of 500 copies. Go figure!](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_liqo44GmQW1qzs4ndo1_400.gif)
28311.01;01# I recently discovered how to make gifs, you can tell by me gifspamming tumblr from now on. Sporting the blouse I bought at the Acne Archive store yesterday. Yet again spent way too much money at my favorite stockholmian record store ‘An Ideal for Living’ [Ikidyounot, I just found this out recently and apparently they have another store called ‘unknown pleasures’ and this says a lot about the great records they carry and about me being their client. I guess.] my purchase consisted of a bootleg with such a clear recording of Joy division’s gig in ‘de Effenaar’ in my home country from 1980. 1 out of 500 copies. Go figure!
I think I have about 50 kg of clothing to take home to the Netherlands, Stockholm is becoming a bore. 5 more weeks.
NC, I forgot to tell you but I did buy the lp this weekend ( and a Still album in excellent condition )! I mean ;kldasf, the guy has a little goldmine of a record shop, he even had the peel sessions, rare colored vinyl and various bootlegs including the one recorded when they played at Effenaar in 1980. Plus, he owned an original “12 of An Ideal For Living, “but not for sale”. -“No of course not, if it was I wouldn’t trust you to be human and have any sense of emotional value of such worldly treasures” I mean, eek.
Bought JD’s documentary in a little record shop tonight, while strolling the cold streets of Stockholm. NC, thank you so much for inviting me to the Joy division celebration from Peter Hook later this year, ;skjfd;lkajl;kdjfs still can’t breathe.
